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“Seriously, yet another coaching tool?” you chime.
Why yes and here are 3 reasons why we can use more:
1
Few can afford coaches and many who would benefit the most are not able to access the support coaching offers. This is a way to widen access.
🤿 Before Diving In…
People come to a therapist or coach when they’re seeking change. But there’s often resistance because change is fucking hard. A readiness to transform is not the same as having the capacity to do so.
In my specialty of life transitions, clients understandably feel overwhelmed. Some have limiting beliefs that grow louder, others suffer from analysis paralysis, and many aren’t certain what they really want — they only know they can no longer ignore the stirring inside.
Just like a working title for a book, when your working identity is still being formed — it’s common to feel anxious. Saying goodbye and mourning your old self is daunting.
Let’s jump in…
My first career was in the music industry and for years afterward, I would desperately clasp on to this old identity. I couldn’t let go — I was scared to step into a new self that was still emerging.
You’re writing the book o your life and while you may not be sure what stories you want to tell yet— these tools can help you gain more clarity. They’ll aid you to see yourself and how you meet the world with fresh eyes.
Having a coach in your court can work wonders. And while having a coach is not for everyone, being able to coach yourself is.
My hope is that you see the next chapter in your life as an invitation to write your story with fervor and gumption.
😈 The Devil Inside
Do you recall that Will Smith x Chris Rock incident? There was an undeniable voice that grew louder inside and Smith just couldn’t ignore now could he? Often this inner voice is reflected in your neural pathways that tell your brain how to think, feel, and react. Sometimes it leads to over-ruminating, doubt, or resentment. The voices can sabotage your relationship with yourself and others. While your inner judge will never fully disappear there are ways to become adept at controlling (or even banishing) these voices inside. But how do you break the thought loop and short-circuit any further self-berating? Thankfully there’s a pill for this — but sadly it’s much more nuanced than chugging it with a glass of water. What we’re up to here is thinking about thinking. There’s a neurological purpose for our inner dialogue.
It helps us use words silently to reflect on our daily experiences. It affords us a verbal working memory system. It gives us the ability to dream and plan. It eggs us on when we can't quite find the motivation. And ultimately, it lets us be the author of our lives and make meaning. Metacognition — your ability to regulate your thinking — can be stretched and developed. When you’re looping what’s really happening is your prefrontal cortex is inhibited. It’s blocking you from ceasing your negative thinking, regulating your emotions, and taking a more flexible viewpoint. To short-circuit unproductive thinking and see things with a wider-angled lens it’s helpful to take a step back (metaphorically not literally) and get some distance. Close your eyes and imagine you’ve stepped outside of your body. Now look at yourself from the top of a mountain.
From this vantage point, you can try the following:
1. Tune
Become hyper-aware of your inner devil. Your job is to shine a light on negative self-talk as this is the first strategy in managing it. Take the Sabateour test below to discern what tone your inner judge prefers and what self-defeating tendencies you have. From here you can build your own personal user manual — where you can manage your chatter.
2. Track
Next is to monitor your automatic patterns when these voices are present. Do you dwell? Distract yourself? Self-soothe? React emotionally? Simply recognizing the context and circumstances when they arise means that you can befriend your inner voice and harness it to your advantage. Treat this as a fun research project and just notice what’s going on when these voices are competing for real estate in your brain.
3. Test
Ask yourself this simple question: How do I want to be? It’s here that your ultimate freedom resides. The next tool — ‘The Pause’ can help you rewire your behavior and actions as a result of this inquiry.
4. Time
When you distance yourself from yourself (sounds a bit like Austin Powers I know), it can make a world of difference in gaining perspective. Temporal distancing means telling yourself a different story even if it’s not yet true. Talk to yourself in the first person — by name if it’s not too cringe for you. How are you going to feel a week from now? A month from now? If it serves you look even further into the horizon in years or when you’re six feet under.
By no means are these steps meant to be prescriptive nor do they necessarily occur in a linear fashion — they’re merely an invitation of where to begin. Repatterning your thinking and creating new tracks in your mind takes loads of practice, it’s literally a lifetime affair.
In Action
The setup: Alan is a loving husband, father of two little girls, a corporate leader, and finishing his MBA part-time. And boy does he love structure! Every minute of every day is accounted for with absolute precision. His biggest saboteur is the People Pleaser with two 2 x capital Ps. This once unconscious mode of being — could be traced back to a young age when he cared for his. Now in his early forties, it’s the first time he’s contemplating putting himself first.
The turnaround: Becoming attuned to the orchestra being conducted in his head, Alan could see how to change his ways. And more to the point, he was ready to make this shift. It took time and patience but one night he was truly tested. His wife was out of town and it was bedtime for the girls. They were being uncooperative — hitting one another with pillows. Alan knew that getting them riled up would not only make it difficult for them to sleep but would through his mechanical routine all out of whack. And this would be irresponsible of him. Yet it was in this moment, where he chose differently — tending to what he really wanted.
Peering into his girl’s wide eyes, he grabbed the biggest pillow and Whack! He officially commenced the most epic pillow fight of his life. Eventually, everyone got to sleep and the next morning Alan awoke with a wide smile spread across his face.
Go Deeper
Assessment: Discover your Saboteurs
Substack: The Ministry of Presence
⏯️ The Pause
Breathe
If you have a habit of tuning into your breath — wonderful. Deep breathing brings more oxygen to your brain, calms your parasympathetic nervous system, and alters your thought patterns. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
If you’d like to cultivate your practice — consider placing your hand on the part of the body whenever you feel a stirring. Say you receive a passive-aggressive email and you so want to snap back with a snarky reply. Place the palm of one hand where you feel the tightness. Then start your deliberate breathing. Different folks have the tension show up in different places — this might be the chest, back, or throat.
I know what you’re thinking — what if the person or situation calls for an emotional reaction? What if what’s being asked of me is to fight fire with fire!? Should I not stand my ground? I can’t be the Buddha all the freaking time. Good point.
A standout quote from Viktor Frankl in one of my all-time favorite n books is:
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom
This space is where we get to decide how we want to be. And I think this is the key point
— having the capacity to access your higher self in order to decide how you’ll respond: Will you be curious or judgmental? Responsive or reactive? Easeful or uptight?
I know it sounds so lovely to choose compassion for the person that just cut you up in traffic. Consider that at this moment you could hit the gas pedal and chase them down (what are you going to do, run them off the road?) or you might hit the dial on the stereo and blast a favorite tune. You could pull up and extend your arm and raise your middle finger or surprise them with a friendly wave. The choice you make can have dire consequences.
Break
The power of the pause can extend well beyond a few breaths to weeks, months, or longer. Think of this as a super long inhale and exhale. The creative and restorative power of idleness is well known. But the logic for doing nothing is increasingly shunned by our impulse to be productive.
If it’s helpful you can frame your break as a think-week, mini-sabbatical, or heck just call it a vacation — so long as you don’t sacrifice its purpose. The intent is to carve out dedicated time and space for replenishment.
Consider heading to the sea if you can. Japanese scientists found that ultrasonic sounds in waves have a positive effect on the waves in the human brain. The rhythmic vibrations of the ocean will wash you over with a sense of calmness and cleanse your mind. And this deeper level of awareness helps you enter the liminal space between your thoughts.
Whichever kind of break you go for — the likelihood of making better decisions increases. You return to ‘life’ restored and with a new lens from which to see yourself and the world. Maybe you weren't clear on what outcome you truly wanted or how you might actually get there — but now after some gestation — it’s evident.
Become
When first responders arrive at an emergency scene, they pause. They breathe. They scan the scene to gain a bird’s eye view. They become their best selves so they can swiftly adapt to the current situation.
When you’re triggered and stuck in an old wound — you’re unable to see objectively. Your regressed state can be swiftly short-circuited with a pause. This practice of mindfulness is an everyday type affair as well as a lifelong endeavor that requires patience, time, and commitment.
The beauty of the pause is that it can catapult you into a higher self. You spend less time dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. You can rewire your thinking to be more flexible, break patterns, and write a new story that serves you.
Instead of someone else calling you on your bullshit, you can call yourself out.
Then uou get the luxury of deciding how you want to be and choosing to come home to yourself.
In Action
The Setup: I was a full year into my gig as Innovation Director with the largest Arts University in Europe. On a whims notice, The Chancellor summoned me into her office. Wearing her essential all-black loosely fitting gown, we sat down together along with the Dean of the College. The wide glass table matched the supersized plush office. The Chancellor drew down her thick black-framed glasses, leaned in, and asked, “So what exactly is it you do here?”
I was livid.
The Turnaround: I didn’t know about The Pause back then. But I knew that a break would give me some perspective. I fled to Barcelona (where I also ran a Marathon to blow off steam). When I returned I could see with a wider lens. I had thought I was crushing it in my new role— making progress with business partnerships, supporting student-led ventures, and bringing in new talent to help the institution change with the times. But with my refined spectacles, I could see how I was making incremental progress in a variety of arenas but there was nothing meaty to show for which is what the College valued.
Changing tactics, I sought out some of the brightest collaborators to focus on one thing. Within 6 months' time, we successfully launched London’s first lifestyle and technology incubator. The break (one long-ass pause) was key in helping me shift out of reactive into proactive mode.
Go Deeper
Book: Do Pause
Substack: Creatures of Habit
Breath: Box Breathing
Podcast: Stefan Sagmeister on Sabbaticals
✔Getting to Yes
“What does she really care about?”
At first, I was stumped and then I offered my dad, “Ummm…influence, making money, and her legacy. “
“O.K. then, do you see a way you might propose what it is that you want that also caters to what she cares about?” he chimed back.
“Yeah, I think so.”
Over a decade ago I learned the antidote to getting to yes, and have since helped countless people get what they want. Granted it’s not nearly as simple as I outlined above but it’s the spirit of this inquiry that can lead to a win-win.
Maybe it’s about getting a raise. Or turning your employer into a client. It could be about getting your partner to agree to try a new restaurant.
Whatever it may be, follow these principles and it just may get you a lot closer to what your heart desires:
Curiosity
Interesting people are interested — so the saying goes. When you come from a place of curiosity, demonstrating your earnest quest for knowledge, it helps to disarm others. It can also become highly infectious.
Whenever possible ensure your listener is in a growth mindset as they will be much more receptive to your ideas.
If you’re asking powerful and generous questions instead of making demands it’s likely your pitch will go down a lot smoother. A once rigid thinker might start to warm up to your ideas.
Your job to start out is only to observe, listen, and gain insights into what motivates your audience.
Care
We make decisions based on what we care about. Caring about what others care about is the key to making it easy for them to say yes. Whether you’re trying to convince a colleague, persuade a partner, or move your manager — truly understanding what they care about is essential.
You might be thinking this is just an elaborate way of describing empathy. You wouldn’t be wrong. You show empathy when you can describe, demonstrate, and understand the needs, interests, and perspectives of your audience without necessarily agreeing with them.
Master hostage negotiator Chris Voss calls this tactical or weapons-grade empathy. A dichotomy I know, but it works.
One of his main philosophies is to focus on interests (what motivates you) and not positions (what you've decided).
Your position might be that you will only be in the office two days a week. Meanwhile, your interest is that you want to be around the house as a companion to an elderly family member. If you focus on interests with your audience — together you may find creative options that have mutual gains.
Clarity
Originally I was going to call this one conversion. I rather hate that term as it conjures up a Glengarry Glen Rossy feeling that people are just eyeballs or wallets, or both.
Last time I checked the laws of human nature applied to all of us. We are fallible, irrational, and imperfect. And what this means for you is that when you can appeal to someone’s humanity and discover coherence together — it can feel damn good.
“When you bring the other person in as a participant, [you can] eventually arrive at an outcome that appeals to both of you.” writes author Daniel Pink.
When you show that you can see others’ situations in fresh and revealing ways you might discover problems they didn’t even know they possessed. When you attune to another’s perspective you become enmeshed with future actions and outlooks—it really can be a beautiful thing.
To be clear (pun intended) getting to yes is not about being pushy, it’s about being honest. With access to the same information, it’s increasingly hard to hide your cards these days.
If you’re still wondering if you’re being highly persuasive or a master manipulator then just take stock. Are you telling yourself a story or is this more representative of the truth?
We should always treat people like people — not pawns to be pushed over. And chances are that if you’re asking yourself the question you may need to rethink your strategy.
But no need to ruminate too long — because the answer is that whichever you slice it, clarity is kind
In Action
The Setup: Sam’s been a creative at a fashion brand for nearly 5 years. In millennial land this is ages. It’s time to make a move and her hope is that her trusted employer becomes her first client.
Her director cares about quality while the VP is concerned with reliability and money. In the realm of work, in their professional lives, this is what matters to them. Indeed it’s likely that they also care about their family, whether the sun will shine tomorrow, and who will win the Presidency.
It’s been a year of laying the groundwork to leave — and it’s time.
The Outcome: First thing first, it was important that Sam get her emotions in check. She was bitter that she wasn’t given the pay raise she was promised and it was important that she clear this resentment before any conversation took place.
Next was to share her intentions with her Director. This wasn’t a ‘Hey it’s been fun! I’m outtie.’ No, this was a series of carefully planned conversations at a time and in an environment conducive to psychological safety. She enrolled her Director and together they brought in and influenced the VP.
This is where Sam practiced clarity—expressing what she wanted which also took into account what her superiors were interested in: quality, reliability, and money (making and saving it). She had already demonstrated these capacities over the last 5 years and with quiet confidence she reinforced them.
Then she dropped the ball: ‘It’s time for me to stretch and really challenge myself — and I’d be grateful for your support.’
Clarity really is kind.
With her last formal paycheck she not only navigated this chapter with grace she also closed it out with a celebration. Inviting both current and former employees of the brand to a shindig — Sam was overwhelmed with the recognition and love she was showered with. Everyone made it apparent to her that they really valued her sense of humor and the energy she brings to work and beyond.
*O.K. so what if it doesn’t go down like this? f you don't quite get what you had envisioned for yourself know that you can bask in the fact that you had the presence of mind to get curious. You listened. You observed. You paid attention. You shared. And you were clear on what makes you come alive. Maybe they just don't see it this time around.
Go Deeper
Books: To Sell is Human and Getting to Yes
Substack: The Zen and Art of Listening
Ted Talk: Never Spit the Difference
🔜 Come...
⚯ Allies — Internal accomplices to harness, lean on, and relish in your higher self
➰ Meaning-making — Life Purpose, fulfillment, alignment
〰️ Conscious Choice — Self-coherency, syncing head-heart-gut
🛝 Deep Play — Creating space for boredom, unfettered experimentation, and delight
🗣️ Perspective Hacking — High Contrast Conversations, moving mediations, + modalities
🥁 Rhythms to Rituals — Trigger stacking, the 6 x Cs, chronotypes
⼰ Multitude of Selves — Dormant selves yet to activate and all paths are perfect
䷀ Creative Booster — Intuition, finding flow, basking in the process of making
🛖 Coming Home — Grounding, regulating, and resourcing yourself - replenishment
Early Doors is a creative collective that empowers entrepreneurs and changemakers to do their life's best work. The Coacher’s Dozen is a pre-release.
